Monday, March 2, 2009

Project Cruise Hotness continued

We definitely need a hotness update, since I was side-tracked by dates and Snuggies.

I seem to have made an error in my application of sunless tanning lotion. Please note, if you use sunless tanning lotion, do not forget your butt. I was checking out the progress and happened to turn around, and my Casper ass was just glowing white as if there was a black light around. I hope that this is now going to be remedied. Although I do plan to always be wearing a bathing suit on the cruise, I think this was a huge oversight. I was trying to think of a good name for this situation of white butt. Something like farmer's tan, but I haven't yet come up with one. Diaper tan, perhaps? Plumber tan would be the opposite of my situation.

Next, a special hotness addition, hotness with CF. Both Beth and I called our doctors today to make plans for blood tests. Any kind of blood work that would possibly cause a lack of hotness must be resolved. For example, for the last week or so my ankles have been swollen. This is one of the most NOTHOT things that I can think of. Your ankles cannot be as big as say, your neck. So, hopefully I'll take care of that tomorrow.

My new exercises are working so well! Now before anyone protests, you must learn a new word. It is skinny-fat. I learned this from my ex-husband the Marine. A skinny-fat is a person that is skinny all over, but has no muscle tone whatsoever. Think of a guy, I'm sure every work has one, with a short-sleeve button up shirt and these skinny arms sticking out with no muscles. The arms are usually pale, also. These arms are thin, for sure, but in no way are hot. I'm sure you know a person like this. Now, I'm not saying it's gone that far, but definitely some toning was in order.

Today I pulled out my bikinis and put them on. The one I bought last year and hardly ever wore still is way hot. Yay! Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately?, my boobs no longer fit into the bikini that Jana gave me two years ago. They look all smashed in there. Maybe they are supposed to look like that? See, I don't even know. But, I think it's too small. The bottom is so cute though. What to do, what to do?

Since I cut off all my nails the other week, they have to grow back. I think they will be the perfect length by the 20th. So, I will probably have another manicure, since Beth insists. I liked it, I did!

I was looking at my hair and I think it's just right. No highlights needed. Of course, Beth refers to it as brown since it's not as light as hers is anymore. She will just get to have lighter hair than me. I will try to gain points in another area.

Stay tuned for more updates on the color of my butt and other such interesting things.


Sunday, March 1, 2009

Confessions of a Snuggie Wearer

Today I discovered that at least one of my friends does not know about Snuggies. So first, the Snuggie infomercial:

Now, does this make you nervous? It still makes me feel weird. Snuggie seems so strange. When I see this commercial I, too, think, "What dork would wear that? OMG how dumb! What kind of loser would wear it to a sports function?" This is a common theme! You are not alone! Please see the following video for reference:

Please notice the stealth fashion in which the book light operates! It opens up like a cobra, so sleek and smooth! I literally opened it 65 times the first day!

So, how did I come about to own a Snuggie? My Dad! He was moved by this commercial, and searched out two rare Snuggies for his two best daughters, me and Beth! He thought about how cold we always are, how frustrated we felt by the normal use of blankets and the struggle to eat and blog and hold our kitties with them! Surely our life would be enhanced by Snuggie ownership!

At first I was confused and scared by this strange gift. Would some paparazzi obsessed with my blogs snap a picture of me and ruin my image? Would the Google Earth post a picture of me in a Snuggie? My hotness image would be ruined!One day I put my Snuggie on. I'm now a changed woman. Too cold no more! Hands and arms free to do what I please! The Snuggie also provides plenty of room in the case that I gain nearly 100 lbs! My life is so much better I'm almost unrecognizable! Just like the commercials, I always smile in my Snuggie. My body actually prohibits me from being able to read a book without it. I have adapted to Snuggie use.

Sometimes I must alter the Snuggie ever so slightly. In order to walk around the house in Snuggie without tripping and falling on my arse - "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" - I have added a stylish belt. This provides a more mobile Snuggie, and also the added benefit of looking like a monk. I've also found it useful for image purposes while practicing witchcraft. The belted Snuggie also adds the precious back coverage.

This is especially important for escaping the hospital gown, ass hanging out look. Speaking of hospital gowns, I believe they should all be converted to Snuggies. So much warmer! So much softer! Easier to rip off in the case of an emergency heart attack situation.

Speaking of ripping it off? Where does that YouTube parity get off saying it will ruin your sex life? Surely anything so easily removed would be beneficial.

The Snuggie is so cool that Snuggie Pub Crawls are planned across the nation:

Thanks to Eugene, I know about the Snugglette! Boy I sure wish that pretty pink color came in the adult sizes!

I can't wait to have a whole family of my own so we can all wear our Snuggie/Snugglettes with pride!

So many people love the Snuggie that there are people actually bootlegging the pattern! How outrageous!

In closing, I will sing my new awesome song, to the tune of the old 80's toy, My Buddy:

My Snuggie, My Snuggie, Wherever I go, she goes! ... My Snuggie and Me!


When hotness strikes...

Alright, time to report on the date tonight. I think it was definitely a date, and that fact alone allows me to report it with the fair and balanced coverage I give to all of my dates in the last 10 months. Never mind that there have been only about 10...

So, first thing, we go to a movie. We went to see The Wrestler. I liked it. I have one residual question if anyone can answer it: Does Mickey Rourke actually have a heart or lung condition, or did they use some kind of makeup artist to portray his clubbing fingers in the movie? I find that to be a wonderful touch, since they usually miss such important details in a movie.

Ok back to the business at hand. We went to the movie. I liked it. But, I find it really annoying when people talk to me during a movie. And, the date did. I'm not saying I never make a sound at a movie, but commenting on each thing kind of drove me crazy.

So then he says he wants to stop by a birthday party for one of his friend's brothers. I say ok. We go to this little biker shop where there are a bunch of rednecks drinking and smoking. I mean like 90% of the people are smoking. Okay, that was not so bad. I'd met a couple of the friends the other night, they were all good guys. So, then there was a piƱata. It is shaped like a shoe, a stripper shoe is the best I can describe it. The birthday man hits it for a bit and it breaks and lots of sex things fall out. Sex things like flavored lube, magazines, um.. toys. Now, I'm saying, if these were all my friends this would be cool, but this is a first date with a girl that doesn't know anyone else.

So next we go to King Street Grill and have food. I like food. Now he starts talking. It becomes apparent that he must have some type of psychological problem. I can't really put my finger on what it is. So, I tell him he has to stop texting me. I tell him if he wants to talk to me he has to call me on the phone like a real person. He took that pretty well I guess. Anyway, in between his unorganized rants, he just tells random off-color jokes. He told about seven jokes in a row. They were not original commentary about funny things, they were just rehearsed jokes that covered all of the usual offensive subjects. He asked me if I know any jokes. I do not store jokes in my brain like trivia. He thought that was weird. I, in turn, thought it was weird that he believed a good conversation comprised of a smattering of poorly timed off-color jokes. It's all about the timing.

Clearly the timing was off on this whole night.

Anyway, I'm glad to say that I arrived home all in one piece. I promptly put on my Snuggie. Snuggie makes you feel better after a weirdo date. Snuggie + KittyBear + odd blog = perfect night, at least that's my story.

Lesson to be learned - increased hotness may increase quantity of dates, but quality remains the same.

Once again I hope all of my loyal readers are entertained by my daily experiences. No firemen were hurt by this date. All characters are real but the names have been withheld to protect the guilty parties.