Wednesday, April 1, 2009

What We Learned On Our Cruise Part II

1) I do look like trouble, and Beth looks like an angel. Also, little old ladies can be mean to me, and they don't like my cowboy hat. Men do like my cowboy hat. I think the little old ladies are jealous.

2) Only Beth gets compliments like "Princess", "Lovely Lady", etc. Then they say something to her like, "oh looks like you brought trouble back for dinner" (referring to me). I have not yet decided what to make of this, but I can tell you it has been going on our whole lives.

3) I already had a theory that two breakfasts were needed to sustain my troublesome activities. The cruise proved that theory. We need a warm-up breakfast, second breakfast, and to be planning the next day's two breakfasts at all times.

4) The only thing that Beth does in her sleep is kick people. She's always done that. I am able to lots of things, as I have way more practice being productive while also sleeping. Warning: If you plan to get heat stoke and you think my sleep walking butt will save you, you are wrong. I will probably just growl at you like a mean bear.

5) Asian women who give massages on cruises are appalled at the lack of water in my diet. They do not feel that a diet of breakfast and Mountain Dew is adequate.

6) I still regret teaching Beth about roulette. She spanked me the second night and I had no money left. I think I should have taken her to the Unicorn game.

7) When your little sister looks really cute and wants to play the Unicorn slot machine even though it's total bogus, do not do it. I think it was really just a ploy to eat up the 300% winnings I had after my first night at roulette.

8) Seeing cruise commercials about the Yellow Bird boat inspires you to make videos about how you've never drank so much rum punch in your whole life. The video also makes you think lots of drunk baby boomers are riding the Yellow Bird boat and dancing like Elaine Benes. That has some potential. Then, while waiting for your wonderful beach getaway, you see that the real Yellow Bird occupants are really drunk men with hairy bellies with balloon animals shaped like penises on their heads. I think the Yellow Bird boat is a bad idea, personally.

9) A rum cake is indeed covered completely and soaked in rum. It is also air packaged so tight that you might injure yourself while attempting to open the package. Let this be a warning to you.

10) It was very tempting to see how long Beth and I could live on the Nassau beach. But, we felt bad for the sting rays and I think we would have freed them. Sting Rays don't want people touching them!

11) Spring Breakers and Cougars by the pool are not a good combination. We definitely saw a lot of butts, or maybe we just saw a couple and that was enough.

12) Sometimes there will be a belly flop competition. It is run by the cruise director and a gay guy. I'm still not sure how the winner of the belly flop competition fits into his room, or his bathroom. He must have had a bigger room than we did.

13) Cougars on cruises with lots of bling are very strange indeed. They seemed to be seeking eligible males. If there had been any eligible males, Beth and I would have snatched them up. Bling or no.

14) I wish the cruise would have been a couple nights longer so we could properly investigate the two families we thought were polygamists. Who wants to wear those Little House on the Prairie dresses on a cruise ship?

15) When borrowing a suitcase from your parents for your cruise, search all of the pockets carefully, so that upon re-entry to the country you are not accused of trying to smuggle in coffee.

16) We noticed that a number of younger couples frequently looked kinda miserable on their cruise. The older couples looked very happy. This is because by the time you are an old couple, you know better than to attempt to make your wife sit indoors at a cruise ship bar and watch basketball, for instance.

The biggest lesson, always take a cruise with your sister. Take one every year. It's the best!